Posted: February 20, 2015 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How good it is to be loved? But at some point in our life, no matter how we tried to make things work, people we love tend to change and that change will affect your relationship. We gave what we can give, the effort we want them to see, the full attention they require, all of these and nothing less. How sad it is when you gave all that you can give and still it is not enough.

I closed my world and made a new one with him only. He didn’t see it. The path he chose became his first priority and I became a second priority – still he didn’t see it. He is really happy with his friends and I can’t see those sweet smile when he was with me. Still, he didn’t see it. At the end, when he broke up with me, he blamed me because our relationship didn’t work like we wanted in the first place. I just couldn’t take all the bad things he said to me after I tried so hard to understand everything he wanted me to understand.

When we did all the things we could do, but our ex-partners are so blind not to see that we made an effort to make it work.

Right now, all I received from him is a broken promises, broken dreams, and a little broken me.


It takes time to realize something…

Posted: July 6, 2014 in Uncategorized

July 6, 2014

It is just an ordinary day with the same routine. We went to church at seven o’clock in the morning, had our breakfast at Chowking and went home afterwards. It is Sunday, a great time to relax after a long, busy weekdays at work. With nothing much to do, I’ve decided to watch a movie. Being lazy and lying on my bed all day long, there is this someone I really miss so much! I felt a little bit of heartache and loneliness right after. I told myself – “this is what you want, you made this rules so live with it”. I turned my attention again to the movie I was watching.

I’ve been trying to forget this guy I’ve met 2 or 3 weeks ago. It is not because I don’t like him, but because I’m falling in love with him. Just this afternoon, my confusion with what I really feel about him has ended! It is confirmed, I love him! I love Rendell!

What comes after this realization? I really don’t have any idea at all since I didn’t expect myself to fall in love with this kind of guy. I don’t know him that well, I mean what I know comes from what he chose to show me. And that’s one of the reasons why I want to stay away from him. I know it takes time for two people to get to know each other, but with this one, I have this feeling that it will stay like that – no progress at all.

But he makes me happy – the reason why I’m still getting in touch with him. Any idea how hard it is right now? Before, I told him that I don’t want a relationship with him because I can’t do the part of being a girlfriend and other things that is required when one is committed to another person.

Aside from the said reasons, I am so afraid. I can’t tell right now where is this feeling of being afraid coming from. As of now, there are three things I am sure of. One, I love him. Two, I want to be his girl. Three, I want to have a normal date with him in public.

Confuse… Nice guy in a not so perfect time!

Posted: July 3, 2014 in Uncategorized

For almost a week, I am so confuse with what I really feel about him. One minute, I want to be with him so badly, then “forget it” the next minute! I want to know for myself if I only want him because he’s really fun to be with, or am I really falling in love with him just like what he said yesterday. Things are getting out of hands and I don’t want to wake up one morning knowing that I already lose control with what is going on between me and him. I am afraid! If only I have the courage to break the rules I have made, then I would do it for sure!

As I’m trying to figure it out, I had this realization that he is somewhat a womanizer to me. I feel like I am being used all over again. I don’t want to play this kind of game anymore, but somehow I also felt something different and real from this guy I am dating. So here it goes again! And I am three times more confuse! From time to time, I force myself not to think of him, text him or chat him. But because of this unknown, as of this time, feeling, I can’t do it. It is like someone is pushing my thumb to get in touch with him. Come to think of it, its hilarious! Its sounds like a teenage situation,, starting to fall in love for the first time. Geeee!

Things he did/does but he has no idea at all…and I’m loving it!
– I want to turn myself from a Girl to a Lady (and this is not because he’s older than me…I’m sure you get what I mean)
– He makes me happy just by being with me on our free time – no extra effort,
– He respects me the way I want it (or should I say, the way every girl wants to be respected by guys)
– He knows what to do, I don’t need to tell him anymore…
… and i will add other things next time… =D If we’re still dating by then…

Happiness is for free!

Posted: June 26, 2014 in Uncategorized

One day I woke up and realized that I already stopped thinking of what will I do tomorrow, on the next day and or next week.  I found myself living each day, trying and giving the best shot that I can give to make my day, not just a better day, but a fruitful day.  I saw myself give thanks to God for what I have encountered and it doesn’t matter if it is good or bad.  I was surprised!  But let me tell you this, I am not a Church person, there’s a part in me that I really hate going to Church.  But please, don’t get me wrong, I believe in God and I have faith in him.  Until now, I don’t have an explanation for this.  I want to ask God but should I? 

Another thing is, when I started to live each day, I also started to feel happy inside.  A happiness I felt not because I do have these material things right now, but a happiness from every fulfillment I achieved.  

There’s nothing more to say at this point.  All I know is, I am so blessed to know and really experienced that we can’t buy happiness, it is for free.  We just have to learn to open our mind and our hearts and at the end of the day, learn to forgive and forget.  Because at the end of the day, before you close your eyes and go to sleep, it is all between you and God – not between you and them.  

I sprained my ankle… What to do???

Posted: February 23, 2014 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Five days ago, I was going down the stairs when suddenly got into an accident and sprained my ankle.  I thought it was just a minor sprain that it will subside on the next day or two.  I raised my right foot and put an ice on it.  On the first hour after the accident, I can still walk with moderate pain.  As the night came and I was getting ready to sleep and rest my foot, I suddenly felt the pain from moderate to severe.  If I have to rate it from 1 to 10, I will rate as 10.  Totally a severe pain!  

On the first night, I had a hard time sleeping because of the pain and I don’t know what position will be the best for my right foot to be comfortable.  It took two hours for me to be able to sleep due to the severe pain.  It didn’t end there.  The pain I suffered that night woke me up and again I had a hard time going back to sleep.   

I looked at it as soon as I woke up the next day.  My ankle was obviously swollen and it was black and bluish in color.  I wasn’t able to go to work and wasn’t able to walk.  Every time I need to get something, I jumped with one foot of course!  Walking up the stairs hadn’t been that hard before I sprained my ankle.  I crawled.  I cried not because of the pain, but because of the inability to walk.  I felt worthless but still I tried to walk.  

On the third day, no progress!  As the afternoon approached, we went to a traditional massage healer.  She did what she had to do.  A little pain subsides on the fourth day but still, it was swollen and getting dark in color.  I was afraid.  I found out the best way to walk, considering my condition.  With the ability to walk again, but still with pain, I went to the doctor.  I had my x-ray and found out that I have a fracture.  

The doctor told me that it takes time to heal.  In my condition, it will take two to three months before I can walk normally again.  I’ve got ketoprofen (the topical one as anti-inflammatory) and calcium carbonate as a prescribed medicines.  


Lesson learned:  We will never know the extent of an injury, better consult the doctor as soon as possible.  

Many people ask me why I don’t practice my profession as a Nurse.  For my first year of holding the title of a “Nurse” as my profession, I always answered them in this way – “Yeah it’s a nice profession but Nurses here in our country doesn’t get the right salary. Others are being paid but their salary is below minimum.  Many are volunteers which is not acceptable.”  After, they will have this follow up question – ” so, why did you take that course?”.  My answer will be – “my family wanted me to”.  Then, end of discussion.  

As I continued my life outside the medical world, my interests in Witchcraft came back.  I studied Wicca, Paganism, Witchcraft, Psychic, Tarot Reading, Crystals, and other things that a practitioner needs to learn.  One day, my friend told me that I am an Empath.  OOKKKAAAYYY!????   I didn’t mind what he told me.  At first, the word “empath” sounds familiar that i didn’t give time to learn more about it and how does it affect the entire “ME”.  

Being an Empath is a gift not a curse or something bad.  An empath will always be an empath until the day he/she dies.  Be happy even though you’re going to be sad most of the time, many will drain you, feel things that might actually scares you, but hey look at the bright side – You have a gift to help others.  (and many more; helping others is the most important thing for me on this matter)

When I knew that I am really an Empath, I felt a little bit scared and of course, happy!  I had my duties at the hospital when I was still a student nurse, I felt the heavy feeling inside me.  I didn’t want to admit it to myself but I actually kind of feel the pain, suffering and depression of the patients.  During that time, I didn’t have any idea about empath so I don’t know how to cleanse myself from these negative energy that was attached on me.  Later on, I was filled with negative energy and when I started to study Paganism and witchcraft, etc., I started to feel at ease.  With every lesson, I find a new way to develop, to heal, and to protect myself from the things that a new world forgot.  


-Don’t underestimate the power of Mother Earth, our nature, to heal yourself.  We all came from her, and She will take care of us, just don’t forget to take care and thank her for everything you have-    MIDNIGHTSOLITAIRE –  that’s me =) 

Know yourself – its a good thing!

Posted: February 12, 2014 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

When I noticed that I like to stay in my room for hours or even a day, I didn’t have any idea what’s going on with me.  I just felt at ease, relax with me, myself and I.  It gives me comfort and peace of mind.  But sometimes, as I lay down on my bed, ideas are coming and I can’t control it.  

As years pass by, I’m still the same.  I enjoy locking myself in my room.  I read books, novels, comics, stories from the internet.  I play games, research on something that will visit my mind.  I do got out, when I need to pee or grab something to eat or drink.  Then all of a sudden, I will start to feel all alone like no one really cares for me that’s why I stayed for hours, alone in my room.  This situation makes me feel sad – then I feel depress.  And that’s the time I will go out, really go out.  I’ll take a walk, look for something to buy, or grab a bottles of beer.  

One day, as I look for something to watch, I’ve seen this movie and its about a girl who is an introvert.  I became interested and looked for other stuff that an introvert does.  And guess what?  As I go on, check the characteristics of an introvert, oh my!  I’m kind of 100% sure that I belong.  Woooh!

When sadness strikes, all i have to do is do something productive.  I keep myself busy.  But let me tell you this, its not that easy to deal with it.  I just keep on fighting.  

Have a good day everyone!